Well well well Misfits I have been teasing this for a while, and I finally did it. I have collected enough evidence to definitively prove that Brad Pitt is in fact a Vampire. I know I have been teasing this for months and months now and I think it's finally ready to share with the world. I'm hoping that the release of my very own conspiracy theory will help soften the blow of Emmy leaving the show, look out for updates on the show going forward I will be continuing it. Anyway, on to the conspiracy.
Before we start, if you need a quick refresher on vampires check out my vampire blog. It highlights all the weird ways you can be turned into a vampire and I think it has some pertinent information for this conspiracy.
1. Brad Pitt Has Been On The Planet Since At least the American Civil War
Exhibit A: Brad Pitt Was a Civil War Soldier
So the picture on the left is a real photograph someone found in the New York Public Library of a Civil War Soldier from 1857. You know who this civil war soldier looks just like? Brad f***ing Pitt. He's clearly a vampire pretending to be a human actor. The American Civil War would have been the perfect place for a vampire to sneak around feasting on fallen soldiers and the blood of his enemies. Oh also per Abraham Lincoln Vampire Slayer there were in fact vampires fighting on the side of the South during the Civil War so I say that's good enough evidence.
Exhibit B: Hermann Rorschach is Literally Brad Pitt
As the title of this segment literally states Hermann Rorschach is Brad Pitt. Look at them they have the same face same eyebrows, similar facial hair, they are the same god damn person. There would be plenty of time for Brad Pitt to escape reconstruction America if anyone was suspicious and flee to Europe where he took on the identity of Rorschach. Think about it a lot of his ink blots kind of looks like bats and vampires turn into bats.
The Man Doesn't Age
Brad Pitt literally does not age. His hair just fluctuates from short to long and his face gets fatter and shorter depending on the year. You know who else literally does not age? Vampires. He also always looks young and powerful and shredded you can get a really good physique when all you're eating is blood no carbs or anything.
The Evidence
Brad Pitt wasn't married in a Church. While you might just assume Brad Pitt is non religious, don't let that facade fool you, do you know who else can't enter churches? Vampires.
Ok this quote is really strange especially when realize that Brad Pitt is in fact a vampire. "If I’m walking out the door and I’ve forgotten something, I can’t go back and get it. It is something in my nature. If I’m driving down the road and I miss a turn, I have to keep going forward. I can’t reverse. It’s some kind of psychological defect.” This is kind of just a weird quote until you realize that vampires are unable to enter buildings without being invited inside. This would explain why he's unable to reenter a building to pick something up. You're psychological defect is that you're a vampire ...
Brad Pitt eats frequently in movies, in fact he eats on screen more often than any other actor in Hollywood. Don't you think it's suspicious that vampires can't eat food and Brad goes out of his way to be filmed eating food. And before you try to disprove this by pointing out he is eating real food I have 2 possible explanations. Option one he goes and pukes up his guts in his trailer. Option two he's a Dhampir, or a human vampire hybrid whose able to eat human food and are day-walkers, which explains why Brad Pitt walks around in the daylight. Also per our favorite Monster expert, Dr. Emily Zarka, Vampires do have reflections and can show up on film so long as it's not a silver mirror. This also explains the photos of Brad Pitt throughout time.
Born in December 18th which is close to the winter solstice. If you're born during the winter solstice you have a chance of being born a vampire. I personally haven't seen Brad Pitt's birth certificate it's possible he fudged the date to hide the fact he's a solstice vampire baby.
Brad Pitt has clearly sinned against god, which is a quick way to become a vampire. Don't believe me? Well Brad Pitt has had premarital sex which is clearly a sin against god.
My final piece of evidence is that according to Russian folklore, if you talk to yourself you're a vampire. Actors have to constantly talk to themselves to learn their lines. It's the perfect cover up.
I hope you enjoyed my conspiracy theory I hope to continue to grow it. Feel free to reach out on social media, shoot me an email, or comment below if you want to help contribute to this theory, we're going to expose Brad Pitt for the vampire he is.
You can find our latest episode on our website, Apple Podcast, Spotify, or your favorite podcast platform. Stay spooky misfits!
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